its a bit silly, but it gives me hope...
i just caught myself smiling in the mirror because i was thinking about that one time at easter where we hung out. it was really nice just being with you. we went to your old school and took part in the easter egg hunt with all the other kids. we thought we were so cool.. but that was back in 2013, back when it was fun to be old, but not too old at the same time. we found a big chocolate easter egg, and then we bought some extra packets of jelly beans once we realized that they hadnt supplied us with enough to fill the egg to the brim. when we filled the egg up with the tiny little candy, our hands would brush over the cracked opening of the egg, and i would try my best not to shake uncontrollably. but its always been like that, right? i always shake so much when no ones around, and even more when someone is around... and even more when youre around, i guess. not that youre around anymore, i mean. maybe ill start shaking less now that youre not around me all the time, not because im conquering my fear or im jumping over mental hurdles... but.... because ive given up? im sorry, i know that sounds weird to say, and i cant really explain it myself. i just know, in my heart, that ill never find someone like you again, so... really... i dont have anyone left to impress. its sort of funny, right? or maybe thats just me telling myself it is to deal with the pain. its okay, i guess. tomorrow ill get on the subway like i always do and ill get off at the same spot i always do.
ill walk past the sandwich shop we first ate at together and ill close my eyes when i see the cinema too. when i walk past the homeless man we sat with for hours on end, ill close my eyes. ill walk straight into work and ill put my hat on, pin my nametag to my shirt, and silently pray to god that one of the million faces that walk through the front door is yours.
i know i shouldnt be talking like this to someone who isnt in the room to hear it