hey is anyone around rn??

oh umm... ok

sorry for wasting your time

mm ok.. im just going to talk a little then

i feel rly bad recently

idk. a lot is on my mind

so..argghh

... ive been thinking recently. you know, about us. i miss us. i really miss us. i know that what we once were will never see the light of day again, and i know everything we fought for is, evidently, over, but.... I don't know.

i really miss us. i wish we could go back to 2014 where everything was smooth, back to 2013 where the biggest problem i could think of was how id be able to talk to you without choking up, back to 2012 when we first met and 2011 when my friend told me about you.

i used to dream of rolling out of bed and making you breakfast, you know? i would have made your poached eggs on toast the way your mother taught me how, only warming the bread up in the oven instead of burning it to a crisp. i would have poured you a glass of fresh orange juice and left ice cubes swimming in there too (three, to be exact). i would have put mushrooms, and a single slice of grilled tomato on top too, and sprinkled some salt and pepper over the plate, just the way you like it. i would have brought it to you on a tray in bed and quietly woken you up, and sat quietly while you eat breakfast and i sit at the end of the bed, looking out the window, reading the newspaper.

ugh

mmm,,.. i know

i know im a freak i know im a freak

but you are too,... arent you?

i mean

youve been obsessing over this blog for so long now...

are you sure...?

i dont see much a difference. after all, youre no better than i am

...ah

but i guess i am flattered, though.

that wyou would stay a fan of mine for so long... and all this time i thought you hated me

hahha.,,

as stupid as that is that means a lot from even you

i think... ive come to trust you a lot. maybe even like you

im glad you feel that way,,

i hope you have a happy 2017

hah,,.. i guess if thats the case

i mean i guess you deserve to know

ive been submitting to uncoveringklm this whole time

...

i wish i was as naive as you

...

you dont have to tell on me. ill turn myself in

oh. hah..../

i guess i deserve that, dont i?

...yeajh

i guess i am rotten

idk,... its fine

its really cathartic talking you to like this, but youre not.. you know

i know exactly what id say to ... him, if he was here

something like... He.. Hey.

i know its been a while.

idk. im sure you can see this right now, wherever you are, and i just want you to know im sorry for how things went down between us. i didnt mean to start a fight, i was just... i was just really passionate about it. you know how i am with silly things like that. i should really get ahold of myself. i support you 100% in anything you do, even if im not right next to you to tell you so, and i dont want you to ever forget that. i mean,. you can forget it if you want to. you can forget it if its painful. i wont hold any negative feelings towards you. i never did! not through any of this... ive always admired how brave and strong you are, and how you never backed down, even when i was at my worst. i guess what i mean to say is... i dont know. im just sorry, ok? but i dont expect you to forgive and forget. i never would

maybe im too caught up in this

its not like i can do anything to change it...,,,

things dont change on a whim..you know

...

Excuse me?

This is his doctor speaking.

Visiting hours are over.

...

its not like you have a place to talk about giving up..,

do you think its too late for me?

...

hearing that...

its a bit silly, but it gives me hope...

i just caught myself smiling in the mirror because i was thinking about that one time at easter where we hung out. it was really nice just being with you. we went to your old school and took part in the easter egg hunt with all the other kids. we thought we were so cool.. but that was back in 2013, back when it was fun to be old, but not too old at the same time. we found a big chocolate easter egg, and then we bought some extra packets of jelly beans once we realized that they hadnt supplied us with enough to fill the egg to the brim. when we filled the egg up with the tiny little candy, our hands would brush over the cracked opening of the egg, and i would try my best not to shake uncontrollably. but its always been like that, right? i always shake so much when no ones around, and even more when someone is around... and even more when youre around, i guess. not that youre around anymore, i mean. maybe ill start shaking less now that youre not around me all the time, not because im conquering my fear or im jumping over mental hurdles... but.... because ive given up? im sorry, i know that sounds weird to say, and i cant really explain it myself. i just know, in my heart, that ill never find someone like you again, so... really... i dont have anyone left to impress. its sort of funny, right? or maybe thats just me telling myself it is to deal with the pain. its okay, i guess. tomorrow ill get on the subway like i always do and ill get off at the same spot i always do.

ill walk past the sandwich shop we first ate at together and ill close my eyes when i see the cinema too. when i walk past the homeless man we sat with for hours on end, ill close my eyes. ill walk straight into work and ill put my hat on, pin my nametag to my shirt, and silently pray to god that one of the million faces that walk through the front door is yours.

mm sorry

i know i shouldnt be talking like this to someone who isnt in the room to hear it

but... you know

im always doing this

hmmm

hmmm

both i guess,,

is it??

am i...

but what can you do for me..?

repay..me..

oh...

haa..

you dont need to do anything like that

youve already given me love mail

more than i could imagine.. actually

rn i think i have 3,280 love mails exactly

its more than i could have ever have imagined...

...

i thought about a lot of things when i was in surgery. i thought about arctic winds blowing down from the north pole and i thought about melting ice caps and rising sea lines. i thought about each and every message in a bottle that never finds anyone, and i woke up after surgery crying. i know, i didnt rly think id wake up either, and the nurses didnt, which is why they were all shocked to see me kneeling in front of the toilet with my iv drip caught in the door of the bathroom

mmm maybe.. but like i was saying

it was strange.. and ig uncomfortable too,but they were all happy to see i was able to move

normally people cant even life a finger after intensive surgery

so i was pretty lucky,,

huh//?

......,

...

.,

you shouldnt say that

you shouldnt say things you know arent true

theres not just one

or two...or three..

,,but that doesnt matter anymore..,

.........

,,i like to think were all komaedalovemail mods

everyone who joined in.. everyone who posted.. the parody blogs, the uncovering blogs,.. the group chats

all of us.. all of us built him

...

You read it right.

Yes.

No.

I can.

Because...